Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”