*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When I snag the last meatball.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜