A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Would you wear it?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats