Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
bugs when you lift up a rock
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
kids play hide and seek like
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave