Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Merica.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.