1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools