I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You Might Also Like
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Weirdly Wednesday.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Miscakes
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice