*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
all i want is to be as happy as this potato