i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.