Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.