I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.