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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge