I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat