If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what