me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas