I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying