How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.