me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.