Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
If a snake ate a cake
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget