IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother