For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.