Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger