[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I think they could have phrased this better
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.