The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Body by cheese-puffs.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?