My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber