God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Sunday
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.