Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.