HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
The only equipped I am is ill.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.