I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits