There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Leaving the Barbers like
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job