If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
2 years later
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself