The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Lube but for my dry humor.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”