When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Spider-cat: No One Home
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together