Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
based al yankovic
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!