it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”