Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Very problematic
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito