me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *