Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.