TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES