At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
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if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?