I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Natural selection at its finest
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.