I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?