Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I beg your pardon?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.