I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
“TGIM!” – My liver
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.