My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube