I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
🙂🙃🥹
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher