Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I’m literally crying
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first