How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Not all heroes wear capes.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!