I never know how much to tip a cow.
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I had to Stop for this
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.