One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
cause of death:
autopsy.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly